Short Story: The Tenant

TV satellites in Hillbrow by Waldo Swiegers (www.waldoswiegers.com)

"Tell me, Jonno, did you ever get to the bottom of that tenant story?"

"Jussis, bru. I would rather forget, hey."

"Triss, pour him another dop."

Kevin stroked his beard. "Listen, okes, the thing is this, hey. Jonno ignored all the red herrings..."



"You mean red lights," said Triss.

"Hell, man, did you go to a prozzie?" Dan's eyes stretched.

"No, guys. Just listen to me now." Kevin slugged his beer and tried again. "When Jonno told me about this," he added air quotes for good measure, "investment opportunity... Man, I heard the warning bells."

Triss laughed. "No man, Kevin. That's called tinnitus. My old man has it."   


"I'm serious, okes. If Jonno had any sense, he would have put his Rands somewhere else."

"Aww, ba-dum, tshhhh!" said Triss. "Jonno is a smart man. How was he supposed to know?"

"Look here, boys," Dan said as he frowned at them. "What the hell happened? I may be drinking my Klippies here but I dunno what's this all about."

Everyone looked at Jonno.

"Don't look at me, man. I want to forget the whole episode. Wipe it from my memory."

"No chance of that, bru!" Kevin topped up his drink. "I'll tell them." He laughed at the resigned look on Jonno's face. "See, like I said, Jonno missed all the red lights... I mean the warning lights that would, like, have been flashing if it was anybody else here going through it."

"It's not my fault, man." Jonno sulked into his handful of peanuts.

"Ja, ok. We get it." Dan turned to Kevin. "So he invests in this thing, right. Was it a ponzi?"

"Worse!" said Kevin. "He bought a flat."

"What's so bad about that?" Dan smirked. "If I had the dough, I'd buy property too."

"Bru... It was on Voortrekker Road." Triss laughed at Dan's expression.

"Jonno, are you bladdy mad? Nobody lives there except drug dealers and prozzies."

Kevin slapped Dan's arm. "That's what I'm saying, bru. But Jonno here didn't get it."

"I did get it," said Jonno. "But I didn't want to see it."

"Ja, well, I got a sniff in the nose after the first month when Jonno says to me there is a lady called Tania living there and apparently she's a nice woman from the Eastern Cape. I said, 'Jonno, please bru, people called Tania don't live in the Eastern Cape'. So he said she must because her surname is Umfolozi."

"Nah, bruh, that's racist man." Dan grabbed more peanuts.

"Didn't you just say that drug dealers and prozzies live in a certain area?" said Triss.

"Look, okes, it's South Africa. Whatever we say and do can and may be seen as racist in the right circumstances," said Kevin. "But now that's not why I am telling you this. It turns out Tania is actually from Lavender Hill and her husband, if you can call him that, is from Nigeria. That's how she got the surname."

"Who-ah, the plot thickens," said Triss.

"So the first month's rent was due," said Jonno, "and when I checked my bank account there was a deposit but a chunk of money missing as well. Turns out Tania put cash into the ATM and the bank klapped me with charges."

"See what I mean about warning flags?" said Kevin.

"Man, between your flags and lights and herrings, we're all screwed," said Triss. He pretended to flinch when Kevin slapped his shoulder.

"Anyway, so I phoned her and explained the situation and asked if there was a different way we can do this because I am now losing money."

"Ja, so Jonno thought maybe a EFT or something." Kevin began to chuckle. "Tell them what she said, Jonno."

"She said she'd give me cash every month if I collected it."

"Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!" said Triss as Dan guffawed.

"You see what I mean, okes? Cash! And Jonno," he paused to catch his breath between chuckles, "Jonno shows up every month after that to collect his dues."

"Look, it was a system that worked for me."

"Ja, bru and you can dodge the tax man at the same time." Triss winked at Jonno.

"Nevermind that," said Kevin. "About three months ago Jonno decides to move to Durban to see how things are going to work out between him and Chelsea. While he's there, the property manager at the flat gives him a call."

"Now I just need to interrupt here," said Jonno, "because when I bought the place it was beautiful with the parquet floors and nicely painted and what-what."

"Don't tell me Tania trashed the place?" said Dan.

"I'm getting to that," said Jonno. "So the property manager calls me the Friday and says he hopes I am now sitting down because he's got a story that he needs a stiff drink to get through. He says he obviously won't judge me by my tenant but there is something he thinks I should know."

"That's when you know there's a big mess coming, hey Jonno?" said Triss.

"Ja, and there I was sitting in Durban. So he says that on the Wednesday -- because he phoned me on the Friday, now -- the Nigerian husband... I actually don't know his name so I am going to call him the Nigerian husband. Well, he was involved in some or other illegal activities..."

"Drugs?" said Dan.

"Ja, look, I dunno. But in any case, it was illegal stuff he was selling on the main road and the police got a tip-off from someone and they launched a raid."

"Johhhhh! What I would have given to be there," said Triss.

"But that's not all," said Kevin. "This oke then stole a car as well and while he was driving away..."

"They said it was a high-speed chase," said Jonno.

"Down Voortrekker Road? That oke is djas!" said Dan.

"Dan, man, we don't like swearing here," said Kevin. "Otherwise Jonno spends too much time with the priest in confession." 

Triss laughed. "I wonder what the priest thought about this story."

"So, as he's driving away, he's chucking out all the stuff, you know, because then they can't nail him for possession." Kevin sipped his drink. "Anyway, so obviously now he's driving like a maniac..."

"This is Grand Theft Auto: Voortrekker Road!" Triss laughed with the others.

Jonno blinked hard. "But now the thing is then eventually he arrives at the building and I think he might have scaled a wall or whatever and he locked himself into the flat. The police came round, saw they couldn't get in and organised quickly for a warrant."

"Don't tell me," said Dan. "They broke down the door?"

Jonno blinked again. "Ja, it looks like they cut out the lock and that, and they stormed the place but it was so disgusting inside that they almost didn't go in."

"And the best part," said Kevin, "is that they found no drugs. Nada. Nothing. Only -- how much was it, Jonno? I think a hundred and twenty grand in cash."

"In cash?" said Dan.

"In cash," said Triss.

"It was actually 125 240 in cash, but in any case. Then they arrested him on charges of reckless driving and money laundering."

"I thought you said the place was filthy, Jonno. How could they launder money?" said Dan.

"Bru, this is actual criminal laundering. Dirty money. Nothing to do with washing. So now, the property manager tells Jonno all this over the phone. And he's sitting in Durban," said Kevin.

"I had to fly back the next day, obviously, because there were things to sort out with the insurance and police. But I didn't tell Tania I was back in town. So I phoned her and said that I wanted to see her."

"She was probably sh--. I mean pooping bricks, bru," said Dan.

Jonno grinned. "Well, it was a funny situation because she didn't know how much I knew and I didn't say anything and she didn't ask. But, ja, she was like a rabbit in headlights, you know. I told her it was three months until the end of the lease and I needed her to move out then because I am going to take occupancy."

"Listen to Mr Landlord here, taking 'occupancy' and whatnot," said Kevin. "But didn't she try to stay longer than three months, Jonno?"

"She did try that, yes, but I was firm and said I need renovations done because I am moving in. In the meantime, my father found a new, legit tenant..."

"You mean: not from Nigeria!" said Triss. 

"Ja, bru, it's not funny hey. The agents these days actually state that only people with a South African ID may live on their properties," said Dan.

"It doesn't help when, like in Jonno's case, the Nigerian man got his ID from marrying Tania," said Kevin. 

"Which is why," said Jonno, "I thought it would be better to get this man my father knows. He works just around the corner and he's clean and so on. And by that I mean there is not a cockeroach dead or alive in that flat since he moved in."

"Jislaaik, bru. It's not cockeroach; just plain cockroach. Where does everyone pick up the 'er'?" said Dan.

"The same place you pick up stompies about it. Relax, bru," said Kevin.

"Now you must fastforward to the night before the new tenant is supposed to move in. I was up in Durban and I sent my father to pick up the keys from Tania. So he went there and I think what happened actually made his hair go white and then back to grey." 

"And meantime Jonno is up in Durban, over a thousand kays away, not bothered by what is happening because he's not here," said Kevin.

"My father just had to pick up the keys, Kev. How was I to know... Well, he arrived there and for a whole hour he pushed the buzzer. From five to six. And nobody answered."

"I would have left," said Triss.

"Ja, look, he would have but he needed the keys to give his buddy. This was now Thursday night. So he phones me and I phone Tania and eventually her husband opens the door."

"Ok, okes, now you see Jonno here. Imagine his father the same as him, maybe thirty kilos heavier and you've got the picture," said Kevin.

"Your father was screwed," said Dan.

Jonno blinked and rested his palms on the table. "Well, he followed the husband inside and as soon as they enter the flat, the man locked the door behind them and put the keys on the counter. I think my father's old police instincts kicked in because he immediately took the keys and shoved them in his pocket. The next thing, the husband starts saying to my father, 'Where is the deposit?'" 

"Oh my flip, bru. He locked the door? No, no, no, Jonno man," said Dan.

"So now the husband starts phoning Tania and saying he doesn't have the deposit and Jonno's dad can hear her screaming over the phone about not letting him leave until he's paid. It was so interesting because the whole time Jonno thought maybe she was a victim of the husband but from what his dad heard on that phone call it might be the other way round," said Kevin.

"Long story short," said Jonno, despite the fact that he had been talking for nearly forty minutes, "my father told him that he was just collecting the keys and the deposit was between the Landlord and Tania. I think he really talked some sense into him. But in all this time, he forgot to look around the flat, so he didn't see anything unusual about it. He left about an hour later, and phoned me."

"I think he cried all the way to Durban," said Kevin. "Bru, your father aged a hundred years that night."

"And Jonno was chilling in Durban the whole time," said Triss.

"Well, it wasn't easy getting my father to calm down," said Jonno. "But I managed to convince him I would sort it all out the next day. In the meantime, he gave the keys to the new tenant and I booked my flight to Cape Town."

"Fast forward to when the tenant shows up at the flat at nine the next morning, the Friday morning, and he phones Jonno and he says there is no way he is moving in. Jonno was like, whoa, bru, I'll be right there and he got on a earlier flight." Kevin grinned. "The next thing I get a call and he says I need to help him lay the paste. The hell is the paste? Turns out we were about to launch a roach genocide."

"Ja, look, I met the tenant and the property manager at about twelve and it was just roaches everywhere. So they gave me this paste and said it will wipe them out. Because, you know, roaches are like cannibalistic and eat themselves. But that wasn't all. There were crayon drawings on the wall; they had broken a sliding door, taken another door off its hinges and dumped it on the balcony. The kitchen was a disaster and they left newspapers everywhere..."

"Any money?" said Dan.

"No, man. They are dirty druggies, but they're not stupid enough to leave the dough," said Triss.

"I could have used some of it," said Jonno. "The repairs cost an arm and a leg. Well, that paste is amazing. There were just roach carcasses everywhere the next morning and I got a cleaning service in to tidy up. Jissie, man. It was filthy. The light switches were black. There were layers and layers of dust everywhere, the bathroom... Ugh, it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it."

"And what about the tenant?" said Dan.

"Ja, no, look this oke was legit. He actually came back once Jonno had the place cleaned and he said he will still move in," said Kevin.

"Did you cut him a deal, Jonno? I wouldn't have wanted to move in after that," said Triss.

"I did, actually. He got his rent lowered and capped for the next two years. I also let him not pay rent for the first three months so he could fix the place up for me."

"He actually did a nice job, hey. I saw he redid the kitchen and bathroom and it looks really good now," said Kevin.

"You're lucky," said Dan.

"Ja. But I never want to go through that again."

"Bully for you," said Triss. "What about your poor father?"

Jonno blushed as they laughed. 

"Ag, no worries Jonno. Your dad knows you're going to pay for his drink every time you guys go out from now on." Kevin raised his glass. "To Uncle Tom."

"Uncle Tom," they chorused.

The men sat in silence for a moment, each reflecting on the role of their fathers in their lives.

"So, Triss," said Kevin. "What's the latest with you and that girl Cameron?"

Dan roared. "Oh, the stories I could tell you about what I hear through the wall at night..."

"Shut up!" said Triss.

"Maybe I don't want to hear this," said Jonno. "Because otherwise I have to tell the priest about it as well."

"As well?" said Kevin. "Jonno, is there something or someone you haven't told us about?"

Jonno blushed.

"Wait," said Dan, "let's get another round."