Mimi Godsell could do her job in her sleep. Not because it wasn't challenging; on the contrary. Trying to lead a tour group was like herding cats. No. It was because she was so good at what she did. She knew the village history backwards -- and that was just the bits she didn't embellish to get extra tips from the double-wide men with the sunburnt wives and sticky offspring. The way to grab people's attention, and distract them from their social media accounts, was to lure them into a scandal of epic proportions.
"Everyone who's anyone knows that the reason the Thurgoods live at the bottom of the hill over there," she would gesture for effect, "is because it shows their fall from grace." She watched the devices dim in their grubby palms and the slackjawed expressions lifted in her direction. "Mastin Thurgood was once the mayor here. But I am getting ahead of myself. Actually he was the high school jock and the darling of the local newspapers because he scored every winning goal in the local soccer tournament for five years running. Then he went off to study law and met Stella Littlejohn, who was as plain as he was perky. Before they finished varsity, Mastin and Stella tied the knot and had twins on the way. What could go wrong, right?"
The bus shuddered to life and Mimi adjusted her hat and shades. She was sweating underneath her sunscreen, but she lived by the motto that today's rays are tomorrow's raisins. It wasn't exactly her motto -- it was something she saw in a a movie once -- but it held true nevertheless. Just look at the Dear Doris in the front row whose face resembled an inside-out pleather hold-all. It would be a long day made even longer by the fact that the newlyweds in row four thought nobody knew what they were up to under the jacket over their laps.
"When Mastin Thurgood left varsity, he set his sights on his home town and decided to bring a kind of revival to the area. The only way he knew how to leave his legacy for his children and his children's children was to become a politician. And if there's one thing Mastin shared with all politicians it's that he had a damn fine set of teeth. His hair wasn't too bad either, but I guess anyone's hair is better than our current president's. Am I right?"
She watched a mother explain the joke to her son. The bus idled along the streets and the smell of fynbos wafted through the windows. Drat. Mimi forgot to call the repairman about the airconditioning again. It would have to move to the top of her mental to-do list. She grabbed hold of the seat in front of her just as the bus halted outside the Thurgood cottage.
"For a while it looked as though everything was perfect for the Thurgoods. Stella was raising the twins while Mastin was raising the standard of living for everyone in the neighbourhood. They appeared on society pages as the power couple of the moment, and everyone wanted to make their kids wear whatever the twins had on. Then, one day, when Mastin was signing a bill to outlaw chewing gum in public, the police showed up at his office and arrested him. Nobody could believe it. But what shocked them even more was why he went to jail."
Mimi smiled as the teenaged girl who spent most of the tour so far looking out of the window surreptitiously removed the earbuds of her iPod.
"The woman Mastin had married was not Stella Littlejohn." There were gasps. "It was in fact her varsity roommate Mackenzie Palmer. You see, Mackenzie was Stella's best friend and they did everything together. What nobody knew is that Mackenzie was jealous of Stella, so she drugged Stella so that she got terrible hallucinations and psychotic episodes. Stella's family believed Mackenzie when she told them about how Stella tried to kill her and they had her institutionalised. With Stella out of the picture and in a padded cell, Mackenzie adopted Stella's identity and that's when she met Mastin."
Dear Doris cupped her left ear with her hand to make sure she didn't miss a word.
"Now if you look behind me, to the top of the hill, you'll see an art deco mansion. See it? No, over there, with the mint green shutters. That was the Thurgood residence. Pretty impressive, right? Now look at this facebrick eyesore behind the bus stop. Yeah, I know you're thinking that'll never make the cover of Country Life. You're right, of course. But, since Mastin's arrest, that was all the Thurgoods could afford." She paused to let them draw comparisons between the two homes.
"It took time, you see, but eventually the real Stella proved to the doctors that she wasn't crazy and that Mackenzie had made her sick on purpose. Stella connected with a young detective -- I hear they're married now -- who helped her track down Mackenzie and they found her playing house in the mansion on the hill. Let's just say that Mackenzie was none too pleased that Stella had decided to give up the game and ruin everything, so she started packing a suitcase with the idea of hitting the road. Mastin arrived in time to see the real Stella leaving and when he got to the bottom of the story, he charged into the house and confronted Mackenzie."
"Did he kill her?" It was the teenager.
"Kill who?" Mrs Newlywed looked up from the jacket.
"Stella."
"No, Mackenzie. Weren't you listening?"
Mimi had them eating out of her hand. "Worse, much worse." The bus started again and she held on as they began their ascent to the mansion on the hill. "He found Mackenzie and cut out her tongue." She paused for the gasps. "He said it was so that she could never lie to anyone again."
"What happened to the twins?"
"Arthur Thurgood lives in that house we just visited. He keeps to himself, mostly, and only turns up for the annual fishing festival in May. As for his sister, Theresa, she never forgave her father for what he did to her mother and they moved to Grey Gardens, about two hours from here. The story goes that they never leave the house and that it's overrun with cats and weasels. They live off the money Mastin's lawyers send every month."
"Is Mastin still alive?" Dear Doris had cupped both her hands to her ears.
"He finished his jail sentence five years ago." The bus stopped outside the mansion. "These days he works as a caretaker."
"Where?"
Mimi removed her sunglasses and squinted at her watch. They were a few seconds early. At exactly 12:05, Mastin came down the garden path with his rake. "Ah, there he is now."
The bus erupted with shouts of disbelief. Mastin looked up and gave a little wave at Mimi. He still had his politician looks. And he knew she was happy to see them up close at the end of her shift.
When the din returned to normal volume, the bus started again. "Let the Thurgood story be a lesson to you."
"You can say that again," said Dear Doris. "S'not every day that you hear such a good story about how the mighty fall."
Mimi smiled. Doris took the words right out of her mouth. "Okay, who's hungry? Because after lunch we're going to the zoo."
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